Claustrophobia

I see the sun's soft, golden light,
It caresses everything in sight
I move around, feeling my blood course,
And then there's no end and no source
I'm too expansive, too alive,
I breathe deep, readying myself for the dive,
And then i release...such a perfect sensation,
I exalt in my own edification.

And to step away from this?
To push my own head under some dark abyss?
Where has that feeling of freedom gone?

I get pushed deeper like some pawn,
All I want to do is emerge
And explode out of the waters in a surge,
To see for myself, just once more,
That the sun hasn't left us forevermore

Slurp up the literary wealth like Angel Haired Spaghetti

"I used to dig in the garden, and there is nothing fantastic or
ultradimensional about crab grass... unless you are an sf (science
fiction) writer, in which case you are viewing crab grass with
suspicion. What are its real motives? And who sent it in the first
place?" Philip K Dick, We can remember it for you wholesale, Notes,
1987, Orion.

Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in
this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's
around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I'm standing on the edge
of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if
they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they're running and they
don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd
just be the catcher in the rye, and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.

-Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

He said I was unequipped to meet life because I had no sense of humor.
-For Esme, with love and Squalor, J.D. Salinger

"I don't know. Poets are always taking the weather so personally. They're always sticking their emotions in things that have no emotions".
-Teddy, J.D. Salinger

But every man is more than just himself; he also represents the unique,
the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which
the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way and never again.
That is why every man, as long as he lives and fulfills the will of nature, is wondrous, and worthy of consideration.
-Demian, Hermann Hesse

I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people. I have been
and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.
-Demian, Hermann Hesse

"I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn't."
-The Stranger, Albert Camus

"And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?"
-Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

My son, my son. When I had my son I would explain all that to him when
he was starry enough to like understand. But then I knew he would not
understand or would not want to understand at all and would do all the
veshches [things] I had done...and I would not be able to really stop
him. And nor would he be able to stop his own son, brothers. And so it would itty on to like the end of the world.

-Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess


This I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world.
-East of Eden, John Steinbeck

Tripping on Dead Leaves

I sometimes trip over the dead leaves,
the ones that are orange and bright red,
I always jump right back up, though,
confused, but mostly embarrassed.
I look down to spot the culprits,
but the breeze has already come,
giving them gentle refuge faraway,
too far out of my arms reach.

When an explanation is asked,
who do I blame, what do i say?
what do I say?-The truth?
oh the pain of being naked.

It was a tree root,
it's this poor trail,
these old boots,
I sigh relief.

The Illness

Kevin Glass was sitting on his dilapidated futon watching another episode of South Park. The poor thing had the stuffing sticking out of the various corners that have come undone, the middle cross-sectional bar was missing so everyone who sat down for the first time got the unpleasant surprise of sinking down much further than expected, and in a dismal effort to help beautify the futon, an old, fraying Navajo blanket was spread across the top of it, providing people with only an eyesore and plenty of itchiness. Sitting next to Kevin was his roommate, Jacob McArney, the self professed standout student of his local high school in Lexington, Noorth Caroliina, just like he pronounced it. That was actually the first thing Kevin learned about his roommate. Kevin can still remember walking into his new dorm room on freshman orientation day at Amherst College in Massachusetts, putting down his suit case, and with his hand extended, saying, “Hi there, I’m Kevin.”

To which Jacob had replied, “Hey, I’m Jacob, not Jake, but Jacob. And I graduated in the top five percent of my high school. Nice to meet ya.” Kevin of course was taken aback by the greeting, not sure whether to pull out a transcript and start listing his own academic merits. In the end, however, as with most situations with Jacob, the situation swiftly became comfortable and friendly, thanks mostly to Kevin’s dumb smile plastered on his face. For, as anyone who’s hung out with Jacob for even a minute would realize, that smile could dismantle an atomic bomb.

An hour and a half ago, Kevin had promised himself that he’d only be taking a fifteen minute break from studying and watch a little bit of TV, but because of the invisible gravitational pull of the TV set, he’d been arrested on the futon ever since. He kept delaying going back to study by continuing to promise himself subsequent fifteen minute increments of break time. Plus, he rationalized, it’s the last test of the last class, of the last semester in college, I can let this one slide. His current major was the result of a series of complicated evolutions, shifting from being a double major in math and mechanical engineering, to just mechanical engineering, to business, to history, to psychology, to, finally, parks and recreation. He could survive not doing well on his last test, which was, after all, just going to be an open ended exam on the history of four national parks: Yosemite, Joshua Tree, Everglades, and last but not least, Ala Kah…Kah…, damn, what was the fourth one?

All of a sudden, Jacob walloped Kevin on his chin. “Jeeesus, man, what was that for?”

“I’m sorry,” Jacob said. “I’ve been in weird mood lately. For some reason I’m letting some punches go. Is your jaw alright?”

“Yeah..yeah, I think so,” Kevin said. He was still massaging the spot on his jaw where he was pegged by Jacob’s right hook.

“I’m sorry, it’s been getting worse too,” Jacob said, smiling that dumb smile of his. “Last week I punched my girlfriend, uh, I mean, my ex-girlfriend in the eye. I don’t know what’s happening…”

“Chrissake, I think it’s swelling. Is it swelling, Jacob? Is it getting bigger?” Kevin asked. He’d stopped looking at the TV and, facing Jacob, was pointing to a large red sore spot on his jaw. “Is it swelling, dammit?”

“No…no. Not too much at least. I’ll go get some ice.”

“No, just…just forget about it,” Kevin said. He stood up from the couch, and briskly walked into the kitchen. He opened up his freezer and as he picked up some ice with his hand, he said to Jacob, “Damn it, Jacob. What’s going on with you?” He took out a ziplock bag and, packing the ice into it, placed it over his jaw and went back to studying at the kitchen table.

As he was getting into his notes about Joshua Tree national park, he saw Jacob at the kitchen entrance, leaning on the wall. He could see tears welling up in Jacob’s eyes despite his large goofy grin. Kevin asked him, “Jacob, what’s the matter. Listen, if it’s about the punch, it’s alright, I-“

“It’s not about the punch. It’s…I don’t know. That’s the thing, I really just don’t know. I didn’t want to punch you, just like I didn’t want to punch Jessica. I don’t want to do a lot of the things I find myself doing. It’s like I have no control…I’m losing it more and more.” The tears began to stream down his face, curling around the edges of his smile.

“Hey, hey, hey, Jacob. It’s alright man, it’s just close to graduation, everyone gets a little antsy when graduation comes around, that’s all. Just relax, man. Here, have a seat, we’ll talk this out.”

“I went to the doctor today,” Jacob said, staying just where he was. “I made an appointment just like you told me to do last week. I walked into his office and we just talked for a long time, and…he told me some things I’m not ready to…um…bye into just yet. I mean, how can he know for sure, right?”

“I see. Well, Jacob, he is a professional doctor, that’s his job. I’m pretty sure the guy would know,” Kevin softly said. “What do you think? Do you think you’ve got anything of what he said?”

Jacob crossed his arms and looked down to his shoes. “I don’t know,” he said. Looking up to Kevin he continued, “But that’s that thing, how can I be sure, you know? I mean, aren’t things from my perspective normal? How can I tell?”

“Jacob…,” Kevin steadily began but immediately got silent, uncertain how to progress. He began to tap his pencil on his national park textbook, a dinky book of barely seventy pages. He had it open to a section about climate conditions at Joshua Tree National Park. After a short while, he finally looked up, and said, “What do you think about how you treated Jessica? Was that normal? Even to you? Jacob, she’s been calling me all this week to ask about you, she’s really worried about you. We all are. Jacob…there’s no easy way to say this, but I kinda agree with whatever the doctor probably said.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” said Jacob, preserving his soft grin. “Thanks, Kevin.”

“I’m sorry Jacob. But we all just want to help you. You know? That’s what friends are for, right?”