A freakin Penny for your Thoughts

As of late, things have been losing their original luster. Things that once came naturally have started to slip through my hands like fine sand. Skills and knowledge that I uniquely possessed and mastered have begun to dwindle, slowly blurring into obscurity. Take the other day for example, (I have two examples, so don't get so antsy, just settle down and enjoy them) in my math class, the professor was talking about a theorem, specifically the divergence theorem in multivariate calculus. He then asked us what this was like in first semester calculus. It was only after much prodding and guidance that i realized what it resembled, and I weakly offered, "Oh, it's like the fundamental theorem of calculus."

"No, not LIKE. Try is. People, this is the fundamental theorem of calculus."

And what's important here in this example isn't the fact that it was fundamental or trivial or what the hell ever theorem. the thing that struck me was, without his patient spoon feeding, I would have never remembered that it was the fundamental theorem of calculus. What does that mean? What do i care?

Well the truth is, i consider myself a math major in college, I might even go further to say that i at times consider myself a true mathematician. But the truth is, there's so much of the fundamentals that I've forgotten that I'm having trouble coping with the fact that I can still consider myself a true mathematician. What am I after all these semesters of math? Am i gaining the knowledge which ideally a math major should know? If the answer is no, then what the hell have i been doing these past four years? If the answer is yes, then what kind of shabby mathematician am I becoming? definitely not one that I'd trust with basic arithmetic, that's for sure.

Now I know what a common response would be, oh it's not the actual classes or material that matter in college, it's the learning process that truly matters. Or the methods we pick up. Or the habits we form as mathematicians through our classes. Or it's the way we learn to approach problems. And what do i say to this? Fine, if you're trying to sheepishly defend the validity of your major. But, is it truly fine? If we take courses, and forget the material as soon as we step out of finals, then...my God, what's the point?

My other example deals with the fact that I consider myself a racquetball aficionado. Now, several issues have been burdening my mind as of late. One deals with the fact that I've been playing-put bluntly-pretty crappily compared to my former standards. For me at least, I need a lot of consistency in playing in order to remain at a decent competitive level. And this seriously irks me like you cannot imagine. You're probably thinking, but it's a sport Ivan, it's going to require a lot of practice in order to be pretty good. And I whole heartedly agree with you, I just have one question, WHY? It's not with sports either, it's just like my former example with math, consistency is seriously the benchmark for remaining decent in something. But why, dammit. Why can't we have at least one thing, just one, where we're good at, regardless of age, or how often we do it? Is time seriously that much of a freaking thief that it takes from us not only our good experiences but also our very limited and very few skills?

It just seems too much of an investment, and not for enough incentive. Even if i were to dedicate five days a week exclusively to math or racquetball, just how good am I going to get? Best among my friends, best in the state, best in the world? Just how good is good enough? The truth is, there never is a good enough. It doesn't matter how much time we put into it. Where's the satisfaction? That's my other issue, just where does satisfaction lie? I can't seem to find it sometimes, it's as ambiguous to me as the divergence theorem was to me a few days ago.

So where does this leave me? A life of unsatisfied passions and interests? To be honest i don't know. Just what am I wanting out of the games I play or the classes i go to or the books I read? Contentment? Perhaps, it's something simple that I'm overlooking, something as subtle and discreet as the last phrase i heard as I left the racquetball courts tonight:

"Hey, good game, Ivan. Take care."